There is no good way to start this one, which is why most families never do, and why so many of them end up sorting it out in the worst possible week.
The short answer: make it about their wishes and about paperwork, not about money. The conversation people dread is “what am I getting”, and that is not the conversation to have. The one worth having is: is there a will, where is it kept, who is the executor, is there someone authorised to act if you cannot, and what would you want if you could not tell us? Raise it as something you are sorting out for yourself, keep it to fifteen minutes, and do not try to settle everything in one sitting.
Part of our writing on difficult conversations with parents.
This is about how to have the conversation. Wills, probate and powers of attorney work differently in every country — take the actual arrangements to a qualified professional where you live.
Why nobody starts it
It sounds like you are asking about the money. That fear is the single biggest blocker, and it is usually the parent’s fear as much as the child’s.
It means acknowledging they will die. Both sides are protecting the other from a subject both are already thinking about privately.
There is a superstition underneath it. A quiet sense that arranging things brings them closer, which nobody would defend out loud and almost everybody feels.
Nobody knows what to ask. “Have you got a will?” feels blunt, and there is no obvious second question.
So it waits. And then it happens under the worst conditions — in a hospital corridor, or after a death, with siblings who disagree and no information.
What the conversation is actually for
Not the amounts. The logistics, and the wishes.
| Question | Why it matters | Difficulty |
|---|---|---|
| Is there a will, and where is it? | Without one, the law decides, not them | Low |
| Who is the executor, and do they know? | Someone has to act, and being surprised is a bad start | Low |
| Is there someone authorised to act if you cannot? | Families are often stuck when this was never arranged | Medium |
| What would you want if you could not tell us? | Care, treatment, and where they want to be | Medium |
| Where are the accounts, policies and passwords? | The single most common practical nightmare | Low |
| Anything you want a particular person to have? | Prevents most of the family arguments | Medium |
Notice that four of the six are pure admin. Start there. The admin questions are easy to answer, they build the habit of discussing it, and they are genuinely the ones that cause the most chaos when unanswered.
The password and paperwork question is not trivial. A very large share of the misery after a death is spent trying to find out what exists — which bank, which pension, which insurer, which utility. An hour spent listing that now saves a family weeks later.
How to raise it
Use yourself as the door. The easiest opening by a distance:
“I’ve been sorting out my own will and it made me realise I don’t know anything about yours. Can we talk about it sometime?”
This works because it is true for most people over thirty, it removes any suggestion that you are counting, and it makes the subject ordinary — something adults do, rather than something that happens to the old.
Ask permission first. “Can we talk about it sometime?” gives them the choice and a moment to prepare. Sprung on someone, this conversation goes badly almost every time.
Pick a dull day. Not a birthday, not a hospital appointment, not after a funeral when everyone is raw and it lands as opportunism.
Start with the easiest question. “Is there a will and do you know where it is?” is answerable in one word.
Fifteen minutes, then stop. “That’s really helpful, we can do the rest another time.” Ending early is what makes the second conversation possible. Trying to settle it all in one afternoon is what makes everyone avoid it for another two years.
Write down what they say, afterwards, and tell them you did. Not during — taking notes while your father talks about dying is a strange experience for both of you.
If they will not
Some parents will not discuss it, and that is their right.
Take the no, and ask for the smallest version. “You don’t have to tell me anything about what’s in it. Can you just tell me whether one exists and where it’s kept?” That is a much easier yes and it solves the most urgent practical problem on its own.
Leave a route. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m not going to be weird about it.” Many parents come back to it months later, on their own terms.
Get your siblings aligned first. If several of you raise it separately, it feels like being lobbied. One person, once, on behalf of everyone.
Do not push after a health scare. It reads as opportunistic even when it is not, and it can close the subject permanently.
The sibling half
Almost every family disaster over an estate begins before anyone dies, in the assumptions nobody said out loud.
Say early if there is something you would want. Not the money — the object. The clock, the photographs, the ring. Most estate arguments are about objects and about feeling overlooked, not about sums.
Agree who does what now. Who is executor, who has the paperwork, who is the point of contact. Deciding while nobody is grieving is dramatically easier.
If one sibling does the caring, discuss it while your parent can be part of it. Care and inheritance colliding after a death, with nothing agreed, is where families genuinely break.
Our article on how to split caring for a parent between siblings covers the practical side of that.
When the conversation needs preparing
This is one of the conversations where knowing exactly what you want to ask is most of the battle — because in the room, under the discomfort, people either say nothing or say too much.
The Parent Conversation is built for that: it walks you through one conversation before you have it — what you are actually raising, what you are not raising today, what you will say if it lands badly, and the sentence you will use if it becomes a standoff. You end with a short plan in your own words, and a version you can share with a sibling so you are not each having a different conversation.
It runs offline on your own device, so nothing you write about your family goes anywhere.
One honest caution
Nothing here is legal advice, and the rules differ everywhere. Wills, probate, inheritance tax and the arrangements for someone acting on another’s behalf all vary by country and often by region, so the actual documents belong with a qualified professional.
If a parent is showing signs of confusion or memory change, arranging things becomes more urgent and also more complicated, because these arrangements generally require the person to understand what they are agreeing to. That is a reason to start the conversation sooner, and to involve their GP.
And if you suspect someone is influencing a vulnerable parent’s finances, that is a different problem entirely and it has its own official routes in most countries.
The short version
Make it about wishes and paperwork, not about money. Open with your own will so it is ordinary rather than pointed. Ask permission, pick a dull day, start with the easiest question, and stop after fifteen minutes. If they refuse, ask only whether one exists and where it is kept. And settle the sibling questions now, while everyone is well and nobody is grieving.
Nobody has ever regretted having this conversation early. Plenty of families regret the version they had to have late.
Frequently asked questions
How do I bring up wills with my parents without sounding greedy?
Use your own affairs as the opening — “I’ve been sorting out my will and realised I know nothing about yours.” It is true for most adults, it removes any suggestion you are counting, and it makes the subject ordinary rather than pointed.
What should I actually ask about?
Mostly logistics: whether a will exists and where it is kept, who the executor is and whether they know, whether anyone is authorised to act if your parent cannot, and where the accounts and policies are. The amounts are not the useful part.
What if my parents refuse to discuss it?
Take the refusal and ask for the smallest version — whether one exists and where it is kept, with nothing about the contents. That single answer solves the most urgent practical problem, and many parents return to the subject later on their own terms.
When is the right time to have this conversation?
An ordinary day when nothing has happened. After a health scare or a funeral it reads as opportunistic even when it is not, and that can close the subject for good.
Should my siblings be involved?
Agree among yourselves first and have one person raise it, because several separate approaches feel like being lobbied. It is also worth settling between you who is executor and who holds the paperwork while nobody is grieving.
What happens if there is no will?
The law of the country decides how the estate is distributed, which frequently is not what the person would have chosen. The specifics vary considerably by country, so it is worth checking the rules where your parents live rather than assuming.
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