What to Say to a Friend Going Through a Divorce

They told you on the phone and you said something about being there for them, and now it has been three weeks and you have not called, because you do not know what the call is.

Part of our writing on friendships through hard years.

Why this is harder than other bad news

With a death, everyone knows the script. With a separation, three things make it awkward.

Nobody knows what you are allowed to feel. Are you sorry? Is it good news? Some divorces are a relief and some are a bereavement and most are both, often in the same afternoon.

There is another person, and you may know them. Which introduces loyalty, discomfort, and the fear of saying the wrong thing to either.

It is not one event. A death has a date. A separation goes on for a year or more — moving, money, lawyers, telling people, the first Christmas. Support tends to arrive in the first fortnight and then stop, at exactly the point the long part starts.

What not to say

That last row is the important one. The most common thing friends do is nothing, and it is experienced as everyone disappearing at once — which, on top of the separation itself, is a second loss arriving in the same month.

What actually helps

Stay ordinary. Send them the thing you would have sent anyway. The stupid photo, the football, the question about the recipe. People going through a separation are treated as a situation for months, and being treated as a person again is a considerable relief.

Ask about now rather than about the split. “How’s this week?” is answerable. “How are you coping with the divorce?” makes them summarise the worst year of their life on the spot.

Let them be inconsistent. They will be relieved, then devastated, then relieved. Do not remind them what they said last week, and do not take their Tuesday position as their permanent one — particularly if they reconcile, which happens more often than people expect.

Offer something with a shape. “Let me know if you need anything” is never taken up. “I’m free Sunday, want to do something ordinary?” is. So is “I’ll ring Wednesday at eight, don’t pick up if you’re not up to it.” Practical beats emotional early on: help with a move, a lift, a night where they are not alone in a new flat.

Remember the second wave. Month four, the first birthday alone, the first Christmas, the day the house sells. Put reminders in now — those days have almost no support attached and that is where you can be most useful.

If they want to talk about the other person, let them. Without agreeing, without escalating. “That sounds infuriating” costs you nothing and does not commit you to a position you would regret if they get back together.

Knowing both of them

This is the part people handle badly, usually by accident.

You do not have to choose, and you should not be asked to. Most people can stay in contact with both, particularly if you are not close to either.

Do not carry information. Not deliberately, and not casually either — “how’s she doing?” in front of a mutual friend travels. Being a route by which news moves is how friends end up losing both.

Be honest that you see them both. Say it plainly and early. What causes damage is discovering it later, which reads as concealment even when it was just avoidance.

You are allowed a private view. You are not required to share it. Reserving judgement is not disloyalty.

If there was abuse, that is not a “both sides” situation. Believe the person telling you, and follow their lead about who knows what and about their safety.

If it is your closest friend

You may be doing this for a long time, and it will take something out of you.

Be honest about your own limits rather than promising a level of availability you cannot hold — someone who checks in reliably every week for a year is worth more than someone who is constantly available for six weeks and then disappears.

Push, gently, towards proper support if they need it: a counsellor, a solicitor, a divorce support group. You can be a friend without also being their legal adviser and therapist, and trying to be all three is how friendships get exhausted.

When you cannot find the words

Some people know exactly what to send and cannot get themselves to send it. Others go blank at an empty message box and then feel worse for the silence.

The Reach-Out Deck exists for that: prompts and ready sentences for making contact when the words will not come — for separation, for grief, for illness, for the friend you have not spoken to in a year. Not scripts to copy blindly, but a starting sentence so the message gets sent instead of deleted.

If what you are facing is a bereavement rather than a separation, our article on what to say to someone who is grieving covers that ground directly.

One honest caution

Most separations are ordinary misery and come out the other side.

If your friend is not eating or sleeping months on, drinking heavily, cannot function, or says anything that frightens you, encourage them to see a GP and offer to go with them. If they mention not wanting to be here, take it seriously and stay with them while you get help.

And if there is any question of abuse or of them being unsafe, believe them, do not push them towards reconciliation, and let them set the pace on who is told what.

The short version

Do not take a position and do not disappear — the second is far more common and does more damage. Stay in ordinary contact, ask about this week rather than about the divorce, and offer something specific with a time attached. Let them be inconsistent without holding it against them. Put reminders in your phone for month four and the first Christmas, because that is where the silence is. And if you know both of them, say so early, carry no information, and keep your opinion to yourself.

They are not a situation to be handled. They are the same person, having a terrible year.

Frequently asked questions

What do I say to a friend who is getting divorced?

Something short and honest, then stay in ordinary contact. “I’m sorry, this is rubbish, I’m thinking of you” is enough. Avoid taking a position on their ex, because they may still be grieving the relationship even if they ended it.

Should I say I never liked their ex?

No. It insults their judgement, it traps them if they reconcile, and it forces them to defend a choice they are already reviewing constantly. Sympathy without a verdict is far more useful.

How do I stay friends with both people?

Say plainly and early that you are in contact with both, carry no information in either direction, and keep any private view to yourself. Most people manage this fine; what breaks it is discovering the contact later, which reads as concealment.

What practical help is most useful?

Concrete, time-bound offers rather than open ones — a lift, help with a move, a specific evening, a fixed weekly call. Early on, practical help usually beats emotional conversation, especially around housing and logistics.

When do they most need support?

Not the first fortnight, which is crowded. Month four, the first birthday alone, the first Christmas and the day the house sells all have very little support attached, and a message on those days is worth more than everything sent in week one.

What if there was abuse involved?

That is not a situation with two equivalent sides. Believe the person telling you, follow their lead about who knows what, do not encourage reconciliation, and help them reach specialist support if they want it.

Last reviewed: 28 August 2026