What to Say When People Ask When You Are Having Children

It is always at the table, always with an audience, and always from someone who thinks they are being warm.

Part of our writing on protecting your own privacy with family.

You never owe anyone this information. Not your reasons, not your plans, not your medical situation.

Why it lands so hard

Because it is never only a question.

For some people it is a live grief. For others it is a settled decision that keeps being treated as a phase. For others it is genuinely undecided, and being asked in public forces a position they have not reached privately.

Whichever it is, the question arrives with an audience, an assumption baked in, and an expectation of a cheerful answer. That is three things to manage while a room waits.

And the asker almost always means well. That is the part that makes it hard to deflect — there is nothing to push back against without seeming disproportionate, so most people produce a strained laugh and change the subject badly, and then think about it for the rest of the evening.

Decide before you go

The single most useful preparation is choosing your line in advance, at home, with nobody looking.

Pick one that fits you, and use it every time. Consistency is what does the work — a different answer each time keeps the topic alive, because the asker learns nothing except that you can be asked.

Two features make these work. Short, because length invites follow-up questions. And each ends with a redirect, because most people are simply making conversation and will follow you gratefully to any other topic.

The rules underneath

One line, then move. Do not defend, do not explain, do not justify. Explanations are material, and material generates the next question.

Do not fill the silence. If they pause expectantly, let it sit. Two seconds of quiet and the conversation moves on by itself. Most people crack here and over-explain.

Same answer, every time. Escalating from polite to sharp over the course of a lunch makes you the one who caused a scene. Identical calm repetition is far more effective, and it is what teaches people the door is closed.

Answer to the room, not to the asker. Slightly raised, slightly cheerful, then a question to someone else. This releases the table’s attention, which is what actually ends it.

You may lie, if that keeps you safe. “We’re not sure yet” from someone who is certain is nobody’s business. There is no obligation to be transparent about your body or your marriage over a roast dinner.

If it is the same person every time

Different problem, and the table is not the place to solve it.

Say something privately, once: “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but the questions about children are hard for us. Could you stop asking?”

Short, no reasons required. Most people are genuinely mortified and never do it again.

If they continue after being asked directly, that is no longer a well-meaning slip — it is a boundary being tested, and it goes to actions rather than words. Shorter visits, changing the subject with no engagement at all, or arriving later and leaving earlier. Our article on boundaries with family without cutting them off covers that ground.

If you and your partner disagree about the answer

Worth sorting before the event, not at the table.

Agree what gets said publicly, regardless of where either of you privately stands. Families ask whichever of you seems more likely to give something, so a shared line matters more than a shared position.

And each of you handles your own family. The same sentence from a son or daughter reads as a decision; from an in-law it reads as an attack.

If you are the one asking

Most people reading this are also, somewhere, the asker.

The question has no good version. There is no way to ask it that does not risk landing on a miscarriage, a diagnosis, a disagreement between two people, or a decision that has been questioned for years.

If you want to know, wait. People who have news share it. And if someone deflects, take the deflection — following up with “but you’d be such a good mum” is the version that does the real damage, because it converts a deflection into a wound.

When the pattern is bigger than one question

Some people can deliver a line like this easily. Others go blank every single time and spend the drive home constructing what they should have said.

If that is you, and it is not only this question — if you struggle generally to hold a position when someone pushes, or you cannot work out where your line is because you have spent years tracking what everyone else wants — the Boundaries Workbook starts further back than a script. It works through what you are actually willing to accept, where the line genuinely is, what you will do when it is crossed, and how to say it in words that sound like you.

It is a printable you work through privately, which is the point — this is thinking you want to do before the room, not in it.

One honest caution

If this question is landing on a loss, on fertility treatment, or on something you are grieving, no line makes that not hurt — it only stops you having to improvise while it does.

Support exists specifically for pregnancy loss and for fertility difficulties, including for partners, and it is worth reaching for rather than carrying alone. And if family gatherings have become something you dread for this reason, it is entirely reasonable to go less often, or for less time, while it is raw.

The short version

Choose one short line before you walk in, and use it every time. End it with a question about something else, because most askers are just making conversation and will follow you. Do not explain, do not fill the silence, and do not escalate as the meal goes on. If it is the same person repeatedly, say something privately once. And you may say whatever keeps you comfortable — the truth is not a debt you owe the table.

Nobody is entitled to that answer. Not at Christmas, not from anyone.

Frequently asked questions

What do I say when someone asks when we are having children?

One short prepared line followed by a question about something else. “That’s not something we talk about, but tell me about your news.” Length invites follow-ups, so the shorter and duller it is, the faster it ends.

How do I stop family asking about babies?

Use the identical answer every time rather than a new one each occasion, and if it is one persistent person, say something to them privately once. Most people are mortified to learn it has been landing badly and stop immediately.

Do I have to tell people why we do not have children?

No. Your reasons, your plans and your medical situation are yours, and there is no obligation to explain any of it at a family gathering. Deflecting is not rudeness.

What if the question is about something painful?

A prepared line does not make it not hurt, but it does stop you having to improvise while it does. “We’ll let you know if there’s anything to tell” ends the exchange without disclosing anything, and it is worth deciding on before you arrive.

Should my partner and I agree an answer beforehand?

Yes, and specifically what gets said publicly regardless of where you each privately stand. Families tend to ask whoever seems more likely to give something, so a shared line matters more than a shared position.

Is it ever okay to ask someone this?

There is no version of the question that cannot land on a loss, a diagnosis or a private disagreement. People who have news share it. If someone deflects, take the deflection rather than following up warmly, because that follow-up is what does the damage.

Last reviewed: 28 August 2026